..but but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God (Philippians 4:4).
It is apparent due to the mangled state of the inside of my lower lip & left cheek that I have not heeded the above verse. It has been a few years since i chewed to the point of drawing blood (& then kept right on going). Used to be a vicious constant habit, but Ryan has worked his magic and the..as he puts it…self-cannibalism is now a rare occurrence.
There is certainly a lot of ‘stuff’ on our plate right now that could easily be considered stressors….things to be anxious about. Some things have been dragging me down, some were but the Lord has granted my heart peace about them, and others I’m trying to ignore until it’s actually something happening, therefore delaying the worrying if you will. Pretty much everything can be put into the “unkown” category. You know, something will be happening…at some point in the undetermined future…and not exactly sure what it will even be… I can think of 4 things in that category off the top of my head right now.
On top of all that my little boy seems to have gone and decided to start growing up on me. …And I seemed to not get the memo for awhile there. I was very excited about the little milestones happening with him…reading, dressing himself…WIPING himself (enter dance party)…brushing his own teeth…ect. However, it hadn’t really dawned on me that he’s DOING more because he’s GETTING OLDER and thus more independent. Yet still I saw my little guy that needs his mom to tell/remind him what to do, when to do it and how it should be done. Odd, since it’s been driving me crazy more or less acting like the ‘brain’ for 3 people all day everyday….draining my brain for sure! Much like a moth hovering around a lightbulb, I found myself getting singed recently. In retrospect I can see it’s been a growing issue over the last few months, and it came to a head early this week. Perhaps he finally just got tired of it, or perhaps my stress (that I was under the impression was pretty under control) has rubbed off, maybe transitions we’ve been making in regard to discipline have subconsciously freaked him out. Probably all of the above. I’m not about to air out anyone’s sins but my own, but let’s just say I actually had to call Ryan home from work at noon one day this week because I had been emotionally beat down to a catatonic weeping puddle by that point (in fairness to Asher all 3 of us had been butting heads with each other the whole morning. Wasn’t just him). If memory serves, I’ve never done that before…..i vaguely remember calling him at work to come home early when one or both of them had diarrhea & vomit going on I think…not sure. Anyhow, thankfully Ryan was able to come home & diffuse the situation and allow me some time to step back and ponder the big picture. In that pondering my sin in the situation was glaringly obvious. In fact, they were in many ways, just acting like me…but in a less ‘adult self-controlled’ way. Y.U.C.K
So there was that. The next day honestly wasn’t much better (other than i was expecting a bad day, so it wasn’t as hard), but it was that day that I realized the fact that the little guy was in the process of dropping the little…and I had been fighting him in it. Ryan and I talked, I prayed…realized I didn’t follow my own favorite saying/advice of, “just when you start to feel comfortable in a stage, they grow out of it.” So I took more steps yesterday of loosening the reigns that I cling to so tightly. I need to trust him more. I need to trust God more. He is in control of his heart and mind and emotions…not me. I cannot save my son. I CAN discipline him into faking a good attitude…ie. condition him to be a hypocrite. Or I can pray for him, model a love for Christ and a repentant heart, show him I believe he’s capable of making good choices…and trust God.
Yesterday my struggle was humorously illustrated during his shower. He recently started experimenting with taking “adult” showers. Where the shower head stays in the hook & he stands under it, instead of me holding it & hosing him down. He’s done it a few times, every time wanting me to help him w/part of it. Yesterday he shut the curtain and told me numerous times he did NOT want me to open it. He wanted privacy (though thankfully he DID want me in the bathroom still, heh). You would’ve thought he was about to walk a high-wire or something. I had to grab my phone & play on the internet to keep from peeking in to see if he was washing properly or ask if he wanted some help. I could feel the ridiculousness of the situation, yet tears sprung to my eyes when he announced he was finished and asked me to leave the room while he dried off. Not offended tears, but happy tears…mostly. It’s what I want. I WANT him to grow up to be an independent self-thinking, self-showering man who loves the Lord. That is my job as a mother, to teach him…or model for him, how to do that. I knew going in that I’d have to let go eventually, but I guess I didn’t realize the letting go started so soon.
So Asher: I’m sorry I’ve held on too tight. I probably will always struggle with it. Thankfully your dad is around to laugh at my ridiculous tear filled shower stories. He’ll help me remember to sit on my hands sometimes and let you figure this out….and I know your Father in Heaven will be carrying us all along.