Today i got my first ever speeding ticket. I was following the flow of traffic zoning out & all of a sudden i had what i thought was a crossing guard flagging me down to turn at an intersection, then as i was turning i realized it was probably a police officer. my first thought was honestly that they were doing some sort of random check like breathalyzer’s or something (i know, at 8:15am? really?). no. i was going 30 in a 15. a school zone 15 (the yellow lights were apparently flashing on the speed limit sign). ugh. so not only my first ticket but a double fine b/c it’s a school zone ticket. yikes. he said something about how i will have the option to do driver’s school instead.
I managed to keep composure (fighting back tears the whole 15min (!!!) he was away with my license & registration (apparently the printer was down)) in front of him. But as soon as he walked away I took a deep breath, started to drive away & promptly broke down into hysterical sobbing tears. Hysterical. I can’t remember the last time i cried that crazy-like. My heart just hurt. I talked to ryan, doing the weird hyperventilating breathing thing & his encouragement of “everyone gets tickets, it’s not a big deal” didn’t really help much, but was nice nonetheless (& what I was looking for in calling him). I was just barely late for class too.
On the way home I was recounting the story for my mom & while I thought I would think it funny that i was so upset, no..it just started a new round of tears. So the rest of the way home (i got lost & added 40min to my drive) I analyzed my over-reaction. Here’s what I came up with:
I am a rule-follower by nature. Now, i went through a period of breaking rules, however the really public ones (like only crossing the street at a crosswalk) I’ve always kept. The idea of purposely running a red-light (& any time i’ve accidentally done so) sends my heart into dangerous palpitations.
So i got caught red-handed (or footed) breaking a rule. I am a pharisee at heart. As asher’s bible book would say, I want to be clean on the outside & for everyone to know it, even though i’m broken on the inside.
So there you go, I was crushed because my moralistic standing went down a notch today. However, my standing with God has nothing to do with how many rules i follow or how perfect i appear on the outside. I can not win God’s affections & people’s affections are NOT what I should be basing my worth on. I need Jesus.
Ryan said I should NOT say that to the judge when I go to court.